Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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