Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
