Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
