my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Let's paint friendship bongs
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
