dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
