I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
