i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You offered him a āSorry I Blew Your Brotherā Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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