My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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