i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
