Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
