i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
