If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
