genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
