gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
