Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
