I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
