You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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