I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
