If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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