So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
