I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
