fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
