Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's shark week go big or go home
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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