Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You're earring is so big in my mouth
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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