If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
