Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
