At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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