so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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