The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
