i just had sex bonerless
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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