first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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