my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
