Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
