I am puke
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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