It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
