you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
