I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
