he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
