actually, I'm a sock model
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my shit smells like andre
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
