Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
