My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize