I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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