my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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