she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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