My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
