does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
