I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
