My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
