I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
