the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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